Ups jokes
Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?
He got inked up.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?
She was fed up with the hole business.
If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he's pushing the Earth down.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."