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Unit jokes

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"Our all-transgender brigade has suffered heavy casualties!"

"What? We haven’t even sent them to fight!"

"They’ve already lost 30% of the unit!"

There are three states you don't mess with when trying to take over the United States:

Alaska because they have three times more guns than people because of the bears.

Texas because, well, it's Texas. Where else have all of the guns been going?

Lastly, Florida. Florida is the absolute definition of Trigger Happy Redneck.

How did the United States become a country? It broke all of its states.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

What’s a foot on one end, a foot on the other end, and a foot in the middle?

A meter stick.

Yo forehead is so big it couldn't even fit in the United States.

How do you find out about the accomplishments of the former president of the United States James Earl Carter?

Read the label on the jar of Skippy peanut butter.

Why did the United Nations stop the French government from using the guillotine in public?

Because the French government was using the guillotine on newborn babies for circumcision.

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

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    • I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week. I guess you could say it was a brief case.

    In our history class we were on our China unit and learning a little about gunpowder.

    And I said "WOAH THAT'S LIT!"

    Why is the sun red today?

    The sun turned red today. Here's why. As an enormous Atlantic storm batters Ireland, a related phenomenon is turning heads further east over in the United Kingdom. ... Just like the way sunsets are sometimes red, excess particles in the atmosphere can change the color of the sun in the daytime.

    There once was a bear and a rabbit, and they hated each other.

    The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a mystical talking tree. The tree said: “I can give you 3 wishes each if you will stop fighting!”

    So the bear went first. “I wish all the bears inside the forest are ladies.” And all the bears within the forest became females.

    The rabbit said: “I wish I had a helmet.” Rabbit gets the helmet, and the bear looks at him funny.

    The bear wishes: “I wish all the bears in the United States are ladies.” The wish was granted.

    The rabbit says, “I wish I’ve a bike.” By this point, the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. The rabbit could wish for cash and have all the bikes in the world.

    The bear says: “I wish all the bears inside the world are women.” The wish is granted.

    While it’s the rabbit’s turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his bike, and says: “I wish that bear is gay.”