Transportation jokes
A pedo is driving down a highway really slowly and gets stopped by the police. The officer asks why he was driving so slowly. The man answers, "I don't wake up the kids."
What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim.
(pre-election 2016) Trump Hating Comedian at seedy East L.A. comedy club -
"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump... what the fuck up with that dude, man?
"Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas!)
. . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for bein' fucked up, for instance ....
STUMP: TEENY DICK
BUMP: TINY TIT
GUMP: DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY
MUMP: A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE
LUMP: IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED
UMP: OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS
RUMP: AN ASS
DUMP: A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS
HUMP: SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD
PUMP: SEE "HUMP"
. . . and last, but definitely not least --
JUMP: JUMP INTO A DEEP VAT 'O SCAT MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL BITCH!! ....
HA! HA! HA! HA! YESSS!!
.... well boys and girls, that's gonna be about it for me, as I think my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a big turn for the worse!"
......(splort!, plop!, drip!)........ OOOOPS! 'snif, snif'........
..... ewwwwww!!
(audience growing uneasy and unruly)
"Fuhhk! ... I better go now, 'cause I just went! ... ha! ha! ha! ...... Yikes!!
GOOD NIGHT LAZIES, AND GERBILMEN! PLEASE DRIVE RECKLESSLY!
(curtain drops)
(continuous laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants peeing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', fists fuckin', guns poppin', blood pumpin')
"OH LORDY!!... I THINK HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH,
... AND ARMAGITTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE!!"
(one very quick curtain call, and swiftly out the back door to an awaiting taxi ............ with ALL the windows rolled down) Whew! ............ Amen.
The Titanic was going through the ocean. Chuck Norris was on the ship, and they never crashed into an iceberg. He just shat off the front of the ship!
What did the tree say to the kid with a bike? "Take a hike!"
So my bus... goodness.
What did Amtrak say at the Olympics?
I AM keeping Trak!
What takes up 10 parking spaces? Five female drivers.
What do you call a wheelchair on fire?
Hot wheels.
What do we want? Racecar noises!
When do we want them? NEOWWWWW!
What did the cat say when he took his new car for a test drive?
"Meoooow!"
A Muslim enters a building with 100 passengers and an airplane.
Me: Hi Kallen.
Kallen: Hi.
Me: You're too big to fit in my car.
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of kids.
Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
Were you born on the highway? That's where most accidents happen.
What type of pizza do they serve on an airplane?
Plane pizza.
Why did Billy drop his ice cream?
'Cause he got hit by a bus.
When does the slowest person go as fast as a train?
When he is on the train.