Worst Jokes Ever
Dang, it got ketchup on my sleeve. What do I do?
Spread the love!
Have you heard of the new book about anti-gravity?
Well, I just can't seem to put it down.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer (no idea).
What job lets you kill the most people?
An abortion doctor.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
What happened when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? Complete and utter destruction.
I made a website for orphans.
It doesn't have a homepage.
Daddy bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!"
Mummy bear said, "It was probably your whore, Linda!"
Where do you go if you lost a pencil?
Office Works! They have solved loads of pencil cases.
Why was Stephen Hawking late to the NASA meeting?
He couldn't get up the kerb.
Lettuce ketchup.
Bread?
So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.
After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."
So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."
What has 4 wheels and can fly? A garbage truck.
NASA is going to probe Uranus, and it might take a while to get there.
What is big and fun and yellow? A school bus!
Good morning, madam. I am from the local council. Can you please tell me if you have a dog license for that poodle you have on your head?
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
8 jelly tickles!
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
I got fired from the library in the first 30 minutes because I "womens rights" in the sci-fi fiction section.