Worst Jokes Ever
I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown.
But the punch line is too long.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.
A robot walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender is flabbergasted that a robot can do that.
"New around here?" said the bartender.
"Nah, been here a while," said the robot.
Bartender "You can talk?"
Robot "Yeah, pretty cool, huh."
Bartender "Why do you want a martini?"
Robot "Oh, I'm just in the mood for one, you know?"
The bartender is shocked to see a robot making completely normal small talk.
The robot seems to be just like a normal human.
"Wow, who programmed you?" asked the bartender.
"The top minds in the world," said the robot.
The robot speaks again, "I have a question for you..."
Bartender, "What?"
"Why did you read this entire story? It does not have a punchline. I just wasted your time. Get bamboozled, nerd!"
Why were the rappers late for their flight?
They forgot to pack.
What is the difference between Bill Cosby and a rap artist?
The word "art."
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie?
He can’t walkie or talkie.
What is the difference between your dad and a video game?
Your dad doesn’t beat you.
Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive. Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one.
"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."
You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
How are Asians like a box of chocolates?
Either way, they’ll kill your dog.
What does a pregnant slave and a "pay less" sale have in common?
Buy one, get one free.
How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?
About nine months and a day.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping?
With a taste test.
A lesbian couple and a gay couple are going to San Francisco. Who made it first?
The lesbian couple got there lickety-split.
The gay couple was still packing their shit.
I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.
What do you get when you cross cow DNA with human DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Did you hear about the deaf guy's STI?
He got hearing aids.