Worst Jokes Ever
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.
1. What's the difference between Dark humor and Morbid humor? Dark humor is 10 babies in 1 trash can and Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.
2. What's the difference between a pizza and a baby? A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded?
Everywhere.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."
What’s wrong with a gay bbq?
All the hotdogs taste like shit.
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.
Why did Paul Walker cross the street?
Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.
An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. "You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?" The Cuban simply says, "See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap."
The other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Oh, OK."
The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. "You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?" The Russian simply states, "See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap." Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Ah, yes! Of course."
The American scratches his head and goes, "I think I see the pattern here." So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!
Chuck Norris can make Minute Maid lemonade in 5 seconds.
These gags are killing me!
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."