Worst Jokes Ever

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

The happier they get, the less they see.

What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Fitting in.

Why are feminists jealous of men?

Because men don't have to stand up to piss.

What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?

Hookers come back.

Well, I'm off to the orphanage to tell "yo mama" jokes.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

Now, how about that drink?

When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...

How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.

I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.

It's called "spastics on elastics."

Depression is like therapy; the more you see it, the more you get used to it.

I wish I could be as visible as my depression is.

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

What's white with black spots? A cotton field from above.

1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.

I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"

Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀

playing irl fruit ninja on my arm.

What's an emo's favorite Pink Floyd album?

The Final Cut.

Me: Knock knock.

Friend: Who's there?

Me: I don't know anymore.