Worst Jokes Ever

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"

Yo, forehead is so big...the photo on yo driver's license says "to be continued on the back."

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

Yo mama so fat, she got baptized at SeaWorld.

It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper, but instead I showed them my wrists.

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

Helen Keller walked into a bar, and a table, and chairs.

Yo mama so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

How 9/11 Happened!:

Hey Bush, Truth or dare?

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.