Worst Jokes Ever

The nut is so solid, it’s peanut brittle.

If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it a la mode.

Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.

I want an almond-flavored biscuit.

I want an almond-flavored biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am!

A friend asked what an acorn is.

I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.

I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder milk.

Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?

"Don’t look! I saw you peeking through the window."

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

You can assume a horse is called a great jumper when the horse’s name is “Polo Neck”.

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?

A 24 killstreak!

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.

What's the slowest train in the world? A slow coach!

How does a train dance?

It bogies!

A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."

The officer said, "There is no traffic."

The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"

Girls are like bacteria. The toxic ones are everywhere, and you have to take special care of the good ones.