Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.
My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?
Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.
Joe mama's so hairy when she went to the movie theater, the people thought she was Chewbacca!
Do you ever consider during the cremation that the meat is well done?
I be ready to commit suicide.
But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.
You're so poor that when you walked into an elevator, you thought it was a mobile home.
Man 1: Dude, Viagra is for pussies. Real men don’t need Viagra.
Man 2: I thought Viagra was for dicks?
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone that knows you.
I once auditioned to be in Sausage Party. I thought I filled the role well.
People always often say to someone who are thinking about suicide that's the easy way out. Don't give up! All I say is I'm not giving up, just I'm giving in, and does it really seem like it's the easiest way out? I don't think so, it's probably the hardest if you ask me, or I would have done it already, but someone's got to do it.
What was one cool thing about Hitler?
He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.
Bring a knife into the shower. NEVER gonna see that coming! He pulls the curtain like ‘re re‘ and you're like ‘re re’ yourself, motherfucker, and stab him right in the eye! You thought the psycho was out there? SURPRISE, the psycho’s IN HERE with the Irish Spring on them!
Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
I told my dad, "I just thought of something funny." He said, "Your face?"
I cannot believe no one's come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!
So, in "Revenge of the Sixth" when Anakin goes and kills the younglings, I thought to myself, "Hey, it’s just another day in an American school."
To a Mexican person: When I first met you, I thought you were going to say, "My name is Enrique, I have a job for you."
It's been known that Michael Jackson decided to do a song for the soundtrack for Free Willy, because he thought that he would get free willy in exchange for composing a song.
Yo mama is so stupid she thought keeping you was a good idea
