I be ready to commit suicide.
But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.
Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.
My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?
Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.
So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"
Yo mama's so dumb, she thought Bruno Mars was a planet!
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone that knows you.
Violets are red, so is your face. I thought I was ugly, but then I saw you.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
I wondered why the baseball was getting closer...
Then it hit me!
I once auditioned to be in Sausage Party. I thought I filled the role well.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought Voldemort was ugly, but then I met you.
Yo Mama is so stupid, she thought the football team Rams were actually the animal rams.
Man 1: Dude, Viagra is for pussies. Real men don’t need Viagra.
Man 2: I thought Viagra was for dicks?
People always often say to someone who are thinking about suicide that's the easy way out. Don't give up! All I say is I'm not giving up, just I'm giving in, and does it really seem like it's the easiest way out? I don't think so, it's probably the hardest if you ask me, or I would have done it already, but someone's got to do it.
What was one cool thing about Hitler?
He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.
Bring a knife into the shower. NEVER gonna see that coming! He pulls the curtain like ‘re re‘ and you're like ‘re re’ yourself, motherfucker, and stab him right in the eye! You thought the psycho was out there? SURPRISE, the psycho’s IN HERE with the Irish Spring on them!
Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.
Your forehead is so big, Megamind thought he was your long lost sibling.
I cannot believe no one's come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!
So, in "Revenge of the Sixth" when Anakin goes and kills the younglings, I thought to myself, "Hey, it’s just another day in an American school."
