Thought jokes

A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.

boss: "We have to let you go."

surgeon: "I protest innocence."

boss: "How?"

surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."

boss: "Get out!"

Johnny is on his way to school when he comes across a frog. With a sudden inspirational thought, he picks the frog up, shoves a firecracker up the frog's arse, lights the cracker, and blows the frog to smithereens.

Now at school, the teacher asks the class: "Has anybody got anything for show and tell this morning?"

Johnny waves his arm in the air and is virtually screaming "Me mis me mis me mis".

"Ok Johnny, what do you have to share with the class today?"

Little Johnny then says, "Well on my way to school today I shoved a cracker up a frog's arse." The teacher interrupts and says, "It's not arse Johnny, It's rectum."

Johnny then says, "Fucking oath it wrecked 'im."

I asked my dad, "Why did you paint rabbits on your bald head?"

He replied, "Because I thought it would look like hares."

I tried to think of how lighting works.

Then it struck me!

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

Violets are red, so is your face. I thought I was ugly, but then I saw you.

A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone that knows you.

You're so poor that when you walked into an elevator, you thought it was a mobile home.

Yo mama so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Yo Mama is so stupid, she thought the football team Rams were actually the animal rams.

Man 1: Dude, Viagra is for pussies. Real men don’t need Viagra.

Man 2: I thought Viagra was for dicks?

Joe mama's so hairy when she went to the movie theater, the people thought she was Chewbacca!

Do you ever consider during the cremation that the meat is well done?

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.

Yo mama's so dumb, she thought Bruno Mars was a planet!

I once auditioned to be in Sausage Party. I thought I filled the role well.

I wondered why the baseball was getting closer...

Then it hit me!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought Voldemort was ugly, but then I met you.