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Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的

The first guy: What's 他妈的?

The Chinese: Fucking.

The first guy chooses death.

Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...

The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.

Second guy: I choose 他妈的.

The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!

Only really smart people will get this without it being explained.

Toilet paper fight hat.

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.

It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.

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    • There are two types of faces:

    The handsome one, but the wallet is ugly.

    Then there is this personal face full of bumps, but even they lack a wallet.

    Joke: "7 8 9" (seven eight nine), why is 8 (eight) scared of 7 (seven)?

    Answer: This is because; in "7 8 9", 8 is pronounced as (ate). So because seven ate nine, eight is scared that seven would eat eight also.

    Hey, the biggest distraction will never be my tattoos in this facility if you understand what I am saying.

    But in all seriousness, welcome to the biggest frat party taking place near the ocean. I am most likely going to tell my family this or maybe not, depending what's going down. I am very adaptive through different circumstances.

    I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:

    P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.

    Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.

    “They are all very tearable,” he replied.

    Well, there is one person who gets it!

    In a proud, boastful voice, Gemma told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make you cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough.

    They continued eating for a while. "This is really good!" the little girl exclaimed. "What's this meat?"

    The old lady replied with: "Well, there was a brown dog in your yard that wouldn't stop yapping."

    Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

    Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.

    Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.

    Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.

    I might have to back down on this because it is usually aimed for little children.

    911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.

    This joke probably flew over people's heads, but for some people it flew into their head.

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    • I apologise for this joke lmfaooo, and you have probably heard this banger before, anyways;

    What is the difference between a priest and a zit? 👀 The zit waits till you are 13 to come on your face 🤧

    Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?

    Person: Yea, why?

    Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)