I am going to scream, this is a cry for help.
What 3 words started Jeffery Dahmer's cannibalism?
"This isn't ketchup."
What 3 words started Jeffery Dahmer's cannibalism?
This isn't ketchup.
Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?
Person: Yea, why?
Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)
A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.
What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?
"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."
They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"
Last words of the captain of the Titanic... "Where's all this water come from?"
When you realize the person reading this is a clown
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.
Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
Why do fat cows eat fat cows? Because I wrote this in America.
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.
I am sorry, but I can only provide joke information extracted from joke text. This post only contains a link.
Once, a mother worked in an orphanage as a cooker. She had a son and a daughter—twins.
When she was going to her work, she decided to take the twins with her. They were happy, they got ready and played with other children while their mother was cooking for other kids. Then, a poor family entered the orphanage. They said they wanted to adopt twins. As soon as they saw the children playing, they noticed the woman's kids. They said they wanted to adopt them. The manager said they weren't orphans, but before he said it, a teacher accidentally gave them to the poor family under the names of Layla and Logan. The kids were Kyle and Kayla. They went away with their new children, but the kids cried, they said they weren't orphans and that their mother was in the orphanage, cooking. The poor family didn't believe, they thought it was the children's reaction of getting adopted. The woman went outside of the kitchen, she didn't see her children. She asked the teacher... And when she found out, she screamed and ran outside. She was running at the poor family, when they thought she was a psychopath and wanted to kill them.
When Kyle and Kayla looked back, they saw their mother. They swung their hands so the poor family could let them away. They ran to their mother and hugged her. The poor family got shocked and called the cops. But the mother, she showed the documents and her parent rights. This all explains the worst joke, "Yo Momma Lost Ya."
So, this woman had a job. She wanted to hang out with her boyfriend, so she lied about having the coronavirus. Then she got out of work. Then she was texting her boss when she thought she was texting her boyfriend. Then she said, "I lied. Now we can...you know...water...sigh...lick...sigh." Then her boss texted, "Ew and YOU'RE FIRED."
One more story: One day this teen named Alexis got kicked out of a house, then went to live with her boyfriend. Then she got pregnant and posted it all on social media.
My sister says, "Dad," and repeats it, and this is my dad: WOULD U STOP me? 😑
This city slicker broke down on a country road. He looked around, and in the distance, he spotted a farm house. When he finally got there, he asked the farmer if he had a phone he could use because his had no reception.
The farmer told him he could use it if he married his daughter. The guy said he really didn’t wanna get married, and the farmer said, "If you marry my daughter, I’ll give you half my farm..." The guy said, "Lemme see her..." The farmer hollered, “Hey you, get over here...” and she said, “Duh, ok.” The ol' boy looked at her and said, "Nooo thank you."
The father said, “I’ll give you all my farm and my bank account if you’ll marry my daughter....” The ol' boy thought for a minute and said, “Well I guess I can put a sack over her head.” So they married and the farmer kept his word and gave him everything.
One day the guy was up fixin' the roof and hollered, “Hey you, get me some nails...” His wife said, “Duh, nails, nails?” He said, “Yes, nails,” and showed her one. She said, “Oh, duh, nails, nails.” He said, “Yes, nails.” So she got him some. He was hammering away when he hit his thumb, and he yells, “Oh F*** it!” and she turned and hollered, “Duh, a sack, a sack, duh, a sack!”
I was at a friend's place yesterday, and... There was a mother, father, three sons, and a daughter.
That night the mother and father started fucking each other. I yelled and told them there are innocent children in this house.
An hour later, they started up again. I walked to their room and they were asleep, so I looked in the brothers' room and all three brothers were fucking the sister.
I sighed at this. "Incest aside, you guys make a cute family." I started, "So Anna, when am I gonna have nieces and nephews?" They stopped instantly and went to sleep. "Thank you," I replied before walking back to my room they let me sleep in and I passed out for the rest of the night.
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.
I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"
I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."
She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.
