A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."
Sans, you lazybones, get up and do something.
Sans: I am doing something.
Papyrus: Oh yeah, what?
Sans: Thinking up a skele-ton of jokes.
Papyrus: SANSSSsSsSsSssSsSSsSsSsSSsSSsSsSsS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will end you.
Sans: What, does someone not have a funny bone? Oh wait, do you have a bone to pick with me? I have 206.
Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.
I think I might apply for a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s a job I can see myself doing.
Q: You have problems, I think your disease is BOOFA.
Q: What boofa?
A: Boofa deez nuts in yo mouth!
2 whales went to a bar. The first whale said, "oooooooohhhhhh. The second whale said, "Greg I think your drunk, let's go home."
My friend thinks he is funny.He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion,so I threw a coconut at him.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Roses are red, violets are blue, You think violets are blue, what the hell is wrong with you?
What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?
Ask Boeing.
Did you hear about the shark that ate a key shop?
I think it got lockjaw after that.
This isn't a joke, just an American back-to-school list.
1. Pencils
2. Binders
3. Paper
4. Pencil sharpener.
What, did you think I was going to make a school shooter joke?
Roses are red Grass is green I think of you sucking my peen
At the back of Abraham Lincoln's mind, next to the bullet hole, he was thinking about how slavery is wrong.
Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
Why does the sky think it's so powerful?
Because it's always looking down on us.
Whenever you think back to 9/11 and realize there are 12 hours in front of us, why the f*ck didn't they warn us?
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
