Thing jokes
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.
What is the best thing about being back?
Free bullets.
My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.
What do emos and ninjas both have in common? They both hide and cut things.
I went for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?
"Will there be seconds?"
What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.
How did people bully Helen Keller? They said, "Wow, that was the coolest thing ever! You really should have seen it!"
Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.
*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slick her hair, she looks 15.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Just saw the news that Kobe passed. I guess there's a first for everything.
You're so fat, the only thing you could be for Halloween is the Kool-Aid Man.
Why do orphans like stealing things?
They wanted to have company.
Big, ugly, and very weird.
I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"
Wanna see something dark?
Close your eyes.
One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.
Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."