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Thing jokes

"I’m going through a lot of things right now," I said frustratedly to the person on the line as I crashed straight through the next building in my car.

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

Why did your parents abandon you?

Because the first thing you dad said to be was; "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WIFE."

Me and rose bushes have something in common: mangled, can hurt, red, and people only like one part.

Butcher knives are great tools for cutting many things!

Fruit, vegetables, my arms.

What starts with M, ends with arriage, and is every guy's favorite thing? Miscarriage.

That one never gets old, just like the baby.

What was one cool thing about Hitler?

He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.

  • 2

    • Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

    Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.

    Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.

    Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

    Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

    Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

    “Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

    “Correct,” says the teacher.

    The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

    Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

    “Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

    “Correct again,” says the teacher.

    The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

    This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

    Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

    The teacher fainted.

    One day Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigar. Johnny said, "Can I have a puff?"

    Grandpa said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

    Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

    Later that day, Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a drink. Johnny said, "Can I have a sip?"

    Grandpa said the same thing, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

    Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

    Later that night, Johnny was eating some cookies in the kitchen. Grandpa said, "Hi son, can I have a cookie?"

    Johnny said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

    Grandpa said, "Yes."

    Johnny said, "Good, go fuck yourself!"

    One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

    There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died, he will let them in.

    The first one said, "I just finished a long day of work and I get home, and right as I stepped in, I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody, so I got a drink and went to the balcony, and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands, but he wouldn’t fall, so I threw a Refrigerator at him, and I fell with the Refrigerator."

    God busted out laughing and let him in.

    The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, "So get this, I’m a window washer on the 8th floor. I’m washing the windows like normal, and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands, and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die."

    God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair, and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people, and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. "So get this, I’m in a refrigerator..."

    Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 911 victims?

    Well, probably their kneecaps.

  • 8

    • I still remember the last thing Gaster said before he kicked the bucket, it was, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?" (Sans)