They say people are 75% water.
But I'm 100% useless.
The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.
Why can orphans travel around so much? They never get homesick.
Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don't have Father's or Mother's Day.
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
What do white people and fences have in common? They both get jumped by Mexicans.
What do depressed people and Apple's have in common?
They both hang from trees.
Me: Have you ever went sky diving?
Friend: No.
Me: Well don't, it sucks.
Friend: Why?
Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
Just because someone is white doesn't mean they are bad.
Sure, white Americans all treat Trump like a deity and are proud of their heritage of enslaving blacks.
But Canadians and Australians don't throw a hissy fit every time they see someone not white, and they don't think Europe is a country.
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make a loud noise when thrown.
Why don’t orphans work as computer repair technicians? Because they can’t find the motherboard.
Why are the twin towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain.
Would you like to try African food?
They would too.
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
What do emos and apples have in common?
They both hang on trees.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.
Want to know why parents don't get school shooting jokes?
Because they are aimed at a younger audience.
