One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:
The guy says, "I'm a fireman."
The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"
The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."
The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
Why is it poetic when they have plenty of those German sandals in the store? Because they're Birkenstock.
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?
Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.
More like so they can fuck him, am I right?
Aaron and Ben meet on Grindr. They have a drink and have sex. They wake up in the morning in bed. Aaron says, "I'm so glad I got it out." Ben replies, "What? Oh, just the HIV."
Why do emos like circles? Because they can hang out with them.
To be brutally honest, I think his wife let him die for money, because they could just plug him back in. Surely they have an Android cable about?
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon rotate around the earth for 24 hours, so they just called it a "day".
They are making a movie about clocks.
It’s about time.
No one wanted to hear my ocean puns, they said they were too fishy.
How are mountains able to see?
They peak!
Why don’t they let Stephen Hawking have other electronics around him? Because he will sound staticky.
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her head? She answered the iron.
How'd she burn the other side? They called back.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Why do basketball players like cookies? Because they can dunk them!
I tried to stick to One Direction, but then they started to shoot the gay bar...
They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.
Question: Why can't you trust a tree?
Answer: 'Cause they are always shady.
