Thereness jokes
This joke does not work in print, you have to speak it to someone.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Helen Keller.
Helen Keller who?
(Don't say anything).
Helen Keller who?
...you will get a laugh...ty.
Guess what? Chicken butt.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Anal.
Me and my twin when we share a pizza: there can be only one!
Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?
The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....
Why aren't there any stray cats in Chinatown?
There are, but they're just listed as "pork" on the menus.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cows say, "Moo, not who."
How do you get 100 dead babies into a tub? Put them in the blender.
How do you get them out of the tub? Give mexicans tortilla chips and tell them theres salsa in the tub.
Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.
Son: Mom, I'm blind.
Mom: Exactly!
I would like to complain about the new sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport. Although there were large portions going round on the conveyor, they did taste a bit like luggage.
Three blondes were walking on a path. The first blonde said, “Hey, look, there are deer tracks!” The second blonde said, “No way, those are totally duck tracks.” The third blonde said, “Nuh uh, those are...” Then they got hit by a train.
Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it's pointless!
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2. You can't count your hair.
3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.
4. You just tried number three.
5. When you tried number 3, you realized it was possible, only you look like a dog.
6. You're smiling right now because you realized you were fooled.
7. You skipped number 5.
8. You just checked if there was a number 5.
9. This is not my joke; all credit goes to Steps.
There was an emo kid in their room, boom, they're all gone, now.
Two tourists climb a mountain that utters certain doom.
One tourist falls down. The tourist that's still on the mountain says, "You ok down there?"
The other tourist says, "Can't I just rest in peace?!"
Man yelling at mailman realizes he's opening the mailbox.
Mailman: "There's a pipe bomb in your mailbox..."
What's the best part about having sex with twenty-seven year olds?
There's twenty of them!
Did you know there was food on the plane that caused 9/11?
It was the bomb.
Why are people in Japan always skinny?
Because last time there was a "Fat Man", a whole city disappeared.