Thereness jokes

Genders are like the Twin Towers because there used to be two, now it's just a sensitive subject.

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

There's a Mexican, Brazilian, and Cuban in a S60. Who's driving?

When there are more suicidal people, it means there are fewer suicidal people. That means there is an infinite generator of them.

There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

"A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."

How do you turn a cat into a fish?

Tell your girl not to wash down there.

Why can't there be a gay disabled person?

Because a fruit can't be the same as a vegetable.

What's a similarity of an orphan and a deaf kid?

They both can't hear their parents.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Your dead son.

Why can’t you tell JFK facts about Dallas?

Last time he was there, he got his mind blown.

What do iPhones and the Titanic have in common?

There's no Jack!

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they can't call anyone their dad.

They're making a new Alien movie.

There are so many aliens you can't keep track.

Lily, Amy, Natalie, and Gabriella, it's my birthday tomorrow. Please come if you want to come. If you come to the party, there will be snacks and cake. Ty.

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?

"There's a great singer inside of you."

Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish?

A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

Why do orphans dip their cookies in water?

Because their dad never came back with milk. Ohhhhhhhh!