Thereness jokes
When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,
The present: Laundry.
*gunshot*
I got a detention because I told an emo kid to "hang in there."
What animal jumps the highest?
An emo kid, some of them are still up there.
I was playing Fortnite with a kid, then I heard their emo sister in the background, and it sounded like they were playing Fortnite, too, with the pistol shot and all.
I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.
Jimmy: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Joe: Why?
Jimmy: To get to the idiot’s house.
Jimmy: Knock knock.
Joe: Who’s there?
Jimmy: It’s the chicken.
Two people stood in one room. The first guy stared at the second.
First guy: “Sorry I had to punch you. It was a game, bro.”
Second guy: “Between me and you talking, there’s almost no PUNCH line. Hah!”
Today there was a line to punch me.
Yeah, that was the punch line.
Not to be rude or anything, but I'm not adopted. My boyfriend is, and some of these are really mean because sometimes their parents give them up just because they're ugly or just because of their skin color. We should stop making fun of them, and yes, I do giggle sometimes, but they can be really hurtful sometimes.
Why didn't Michael Jackson date 25 year olds?
Because there were only 20 of them.
Why do orphans eat cereal with water?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer?
There's no stage 5.
1, 2, 3, A, B, C, D, and there's a D in it and there's also a 3. That's how long your D is!
What is the difference between Twitter and this website?
There's no difference.
There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.
Arabs: WHO PUT THAT TOWER THERE... we must destroy it!
The cure for depression is around the corner... There it is, the train.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”