Thereness jokes
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
There once was a man that wanted to join a group of right-handed men, but he wrote with the other hand. He got left behind.
Once there was this kid that wanted to shower with his dad, so his dad said yes. Then he asked, "What is that?" and his dad said it's a chow chow train.
The next day, he wanted to shower with his mom, so she said yes. He asked again, "What is that?" and she said it was a tunnel with light.
The same day, he wanted to sleep with them, and they said yes.
In the middle of the night, he woke up and told his mom to turn on the light because the chow chow train is going in.
There's a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
How many beans are there in Irish chili?
Answer: 239
Why are there two hundred and thirty-nine?
Answer: (spoken in Irish Brogues) Because if you add one more, it'd be "two farty."
Why is the orphan happy when he wakes up from a coma?
Because there is a family reunion.
Has anybody else noticed that out of nowhere there are always tons of people online? It's kinda trippy if I'm being honest.
Two cyclists stop on a bridge. One cyclist says to the other, "Can you see that forest over there?"
The other says, "No, the trees are in the way."
What do lesbians and turtles have in common?
They both eat plastic. (I'm sorry to the lesbians out there; this is a joke, not real.)
"Thank God there are no of these ahahha ya thank God to pranks."
"Oh I forgot a dance 🕺 😅 joke is good ok for kids."
Your hairline goes so far back even Dwayne Johnson refused to sit there.
How does a disabled man go to church? He can't, there's no ramp.
Why did I give the orphan an iPhone 14?
Because there is no home button.
Why can't you do a Math test in the zoo?
Because there are too many Cheetahs!
Why can't orphans be gay?
There's no one to call "daddy."
There were 5 people on an airplane.
1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world
The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."
"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."
The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.
The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.
The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.
Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"
And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"
I went on an orphan website. Sadly, there was no home page.
Where's is the candy, sir???
Over there.
(kid steps in van)
I don't see any candy.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I see myself in them.