Thereness jokes
1, 2, 3, A, B, C, D, and there's a D in it and there's also a 3. That's how long your D is!
What is the difference between Twitter and this website?
There's no difference.
There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.
Arabs: WHO PUT THAT TOWER THERE... we must destroy it!
The cure for depression is around the corner... There it is, the train.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What's one of the worst motivational things to say to a suicidal person?
“Hang in there!”
I hate family reunions. I see too many of my exes there.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Owl.
Owl who?
Who? Are you meant to ask "who?"
What does Michael Jackson and maths have in common? They're both hard for kids.
Mom: Can I tell you a joke?
Kid: Sure.
Mom: Knock knock.
Kid: Who's there?
Mom: Not yo.
Kid: Not yo who?
Mom: Not yo father.
Kid: Not yo husband either.
When you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their mummy?
Chrome turns you into chrome, but there is a chrome back bling, and it does nothing to you.
I tried to give directions to an orphan, but he got lost because there was no home.
A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.
Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?
They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.
Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.
There was a school fire. I pushed the wheelchair kid into the fire and said, "Hot wheels!"