I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?
What can you tell [as] a difference between [a] man and a woman [in a] relationship?
Both of them are just full of shit.
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.
Why do humans hate aliens?
Because Fortnite took them out of the game, and I want aliens back in Fortnite!
Why do orphans never get a car?
Because their parents need to buy them one.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos.
Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
So I saw a bag full of children near a dumpster. I guess we know where the orphans are when the parents didn’t want them.
Wouldn’t want to hope a Catholic priest comes along, otherwise the priest will have new sex toys.
Subway trying to commemorate 9/11: CRASH INTO SUBWAY THIS SUBTEMBER 11TH TO GET 2 FOOTLONG SUBS FOR ONLY $9.11, THAT'S 2 FOOTLONG SUBS FOR $9.11 AND WATCH THEM FALL... INTO YOUR MOUTH!
Most women are like the Twin Towers.
It's all fun and good when guys fly through them, but once the little people come jumping off them, it becomes sad and awful.
Your smile is so nice that the moon shines off them.
Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them.
The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.
If certain diseases spread in water, why does Africa have them?
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
What Does a Deaf Person And an Orphan have in common, Neither of them can hear their parents
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
What would you call a person who hides in a house for 24 hours and then kills them?
Morgz.
Parents are like food not all kids get them
I don't see why people say that emo kid doesn't like to hangout I seen them hanging all day.
What do James Doyle and Hannah Doyle have in common?
John fucked them both in the rear.
