Them jokes
I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.
What's the difference between a five-year-old and a Democrat?
The five-year-old doesn't expect you to do everything for them.
(Vote for Ted Cruz, Ben Shapiro 2020)
"Nun" means no one likes them. Just take off that dumb hood!
Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.
Slavery is like Pokémon, you gotta catch them all.
What does Michael Jackson like about 28 year olds? There's 20 of them!
What’s a rapper’s favorite computer key?
The space bar... it lets them space out their rhymes!
The best way to tell a Hindu person and a Muslim person apart is asking them, "Are you 7-Eleven or 9/11?"
Why is Transgender Day of Visibility on April Fool's Day?
Because all trannies are clowns and no one takes them seriously.
If two blind people meet, one of them says: "Long time, no see!"
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"
Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
Why was the staircase so sad?
Because everyone walks on them.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
One of them gets picked.
If certain diseases spread in water, why does Africa have them?
A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.
The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.
The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.
What do you do when you see a sad orphan?
Nothing, let them wait for their parents.
My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
I was always poked and told at weddings your next... So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....