Them jokes

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

God, I love telling children their parents love them, but only on April Fools'. They're orphans, after all.

There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.

Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell them to clap til' their parents get home.

Most people smother babies with love.

I smother them with pillows.

What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?

“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”

What's the best thing about fucking 21 year olds?

There's 20 of them.

🤔 ❓ How do lesbians 😳 practice safe 🙏 sex they put condoms on dildos and then they put dildos inside of their 👄 👄 👄 mouths and then they perform fellatio on them

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.

Why don’t cows have any money?

Because farmers milk them dry.

Why does Sans like puns so much? Probably because he finds them humorous.

Q: What's the best thing about fucking 28 year olds?

A: There's 20 of them.

Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?

A: Look in a mirror.

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.

Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?

A: You wave at them.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They come across an old shack with three burlap sacks. They each hop into one of them. The police come and kick the one with the brunette in it. She goes, "Mew, mew." The police say, "Oh, it's just a bag of kittens." Then they kick the one with the redhead. "Woof, woof." They think, "Oh, it's just a bag of puppies." Then they kick the one with the blonde in it. She goes, "POTATOES!!" And gets arrested.

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

What's the difference between apples and dead babies?

I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.