Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What's the difference between apples and dead babies?
I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.
Stop complaining. Pedophile jokes are pretty funny, but to say there are over 100 of them only to have repeats of the same joke told by different people is very disappointing.
What's better than throwing dead babes?
Catching them after with a pitchfork.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?
“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”
I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.
There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
What’s the best part about banging twenty-eight year olds? There are twenty of them.
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
People at my school have started to wear Logan Paul merch. I try to give them a high five, but they always leave me hanging.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.
Why are emos useful in stores? A: Their barcodes give them discounts.
What do a fat woman and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
I was exploring the Dubai trophy factory when someone came crashing in. It was him, Pristiano Penaldo. He held the workers at gunpoint, forcing them to make him another plastic Mickey Mouse award or he will dive and sue them for assaulting him. Shame on you, pendu!
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because no one will call them daddy.
I wish I was a dinosaur because all of them are dead.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
