Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
"Twins sitting in class."
Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Well, it depends on how hard you throw them.
Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.
My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.
Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.
I don’t see why emo kids don’t like to hang around.
I see them hang all day.
Why does an orphanage stay overnight at a school? Cause their parents won't pick them up.
How to make an orphan's hands hurt: Make them clap their hands till their parents come back.
Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"
Friend #2: "Apples"
Me: "I can hang myself in them."
Just hire some people to be fake parents and print off an adoption paper. On April Fools', just leave them there at the orphanage! APRIL FOOLS!
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them if you keep reloading.
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub?
Throw them some laundry.
Slavery is like Pokémon, you gotta catch them all.
What’s the best part about sex with twenty eight year olds?
There are twenty of them.
How do you blindfold a woman?
Put a windshield in front of them.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
Why do orphans hate the color black? Because it reminds them of their dark history.
I know 5 fat people, and your mama is 4 of them.
