If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.
Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.
Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell them to clap until their parents come home.
What do women and chess have in common? When you sacrifice the females and replace them, you are more likely to win.
What's the best thing about fucking twenty-one year olds?
That there's twenty of them hoo hoo hee hooo harr haar dee harr harr
Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.
Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.
What's in common with Michael Jackson and a phone?
Kids play with both of them.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
Hi, I was a feminist until I realised that:
A. Feminism is just a pile of dumb shit.
B. That men are actually treated unequally.
SO
we should all say sorry to the boys for pissing them off.
A mouse is just like a ball bearing.
Drench them in oil, and they stop squeaking.
I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
Never break a girl's/boy's/someone's heart. They only have one of them.
Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.
Why was the staircase so sad?
Because everyone walks on them.
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."
I'm a big fan of white boards. I find them... Remarkable.
What does a baby and a hand grenade have in common?
They both make noise when you throw them.
