Them jokes

What do Joe Biden and Russia have in common?

Neither of them respect boundaries.

Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

Why are the Twin Towers and genders so similar?

Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

Why does the military recruit orphans?

Because homing missiles don’t target them.

How do you restrain a straight person? Give them a straight jacket.

How do you restrain a trans person? Make the trans vest tight.

How do you punish blind kids?

Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

"Twins sitting in class."

Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.

Why are washers better than babies?

Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.

Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.

Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.

What's in common with Michael Jackson and a phone?

Kids play with both of them.

There were 15 ugly guys on a bus. The bus crashed, and they all went to heaven.

God took pity on them and told the ugly dudes they could have one wish. The first guy said, "I want to be handsome." God granted his wish. The second guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the first guy." God granted his wish. The third guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the second guy." God granted his wish, and this continued on and on until the 15th ugly guy. The ugly guy was laughing, really hard. "What is your wish?" God asked him. "I WANT ALL THESE GUYS UGLY AGAIN!!!!!" God granted his wish.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

You give them a Sandy Hook.