What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
What is the difference between a feminist and a gorilla? One of them is fat and hairy, while the other one has a functional brain (the gorilla, of course).
What’s the best part about having sex with 23 year olds... there’s 20 of them.
Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."
Why does the military recruit orphans?
Because homing missiles don’t target them.
Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.
I said, "a smile."
They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.
My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.
Going to school is mandatory in this country.
Can you guess my plan?
Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
Here's a sex joke.
What's the best part of having sex with 28 year olds? There's 20 of them.
Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.
What do Joe Biden and Russia have in common?
Neither of them respect boundaries.
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
Why do we not have female magicians? Because last time we had them, we burned them alive.
Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.
Why are washers better than babies?
Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.
