Them jokes

My disabled dad went to the grocery store.

He got lost and yet they couldn’t find him.

Finally, he was found after a kid told them he was in the vegetable aisle.

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"

The bartender says, "No bread here."

And then the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the bartender says, "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?!"

And the bartender says, "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail."

So the duck says, "Got any nails?"

And then the bartender looks surprised, and says, "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.

When someone falls, you say to them, "I remember when I started to learn to walk."

Why do skeletons hate wind? Because it goes right through them!

Is it bad to hit an orphan?

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Well... I mean, they could go to church and try to gather that someone hit them.

A priest, a minister, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this a joke?"

I met this kid and he was being bullied by 9 people. I Asked 1 whats going on. They all said another one to bully they all tried hitting me and then my mates which was like 15 of them came in and it was like war all over again.

What's the best thing about twenty-one year olds?

There's twenty-one of them.

Where do you think all the orphans went?

In the World Trade Center, I trapped them in so they can finally get to their parents.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint the wall?

A: Depends how hard you throw them.

If a kid refused to go to bed, does that make them guilty of resisting a rest?

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.

A mouse is just like a ball bearing.

Drench them in oil, and they stop squeaking.

What do James Doyle and Hannah Doyle have in common?

John fucked them both in the rear.

GUY 1: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

GUY 2: Depends on how hard you throw them.

Why do basketball players hate gravity?

Because it's always bringing them down.

When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!

How do you punch 40 kids in the face at once? Hit them with a “Sandy Hook”.