The jokes

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

"Together we can stop this shit."

What is the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby? One sticks to the roof of your mouth, while the other one doesn't!

I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!

Why did the dumb blonde pee inside the condom?

Because the doctor told the dumb blonde that the dumb blonde was going to get a urine test!

Why did the octopus 🐙 beat the shark in a fight?

Because he was well armed!

A man and a boy were walking through a dark forest. The boy said, “I’m scared.” The man said, “Why are you scared? I’m the one who’s going to leave these woods alone.”

Why did the Drill Sergeant get in trouble?

He got caught playing with his Privates!

Forrest Gump: Who's your favorite Lord of the Rings character?

Lieutenant Dan: Legaless.

"Knock knock."

"Why are you knocking on a wall? You're in the Twin Towers and they're going down!"

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

What do you call a group of depressed teenagers? The Suicide Squad.

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

What did the wall say to the other wall? Nothing, because they are walls.

So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

Me: What did the twin say to the other twin?

Friend: I don't know.

Me: I'll fall with you.

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.

I hate people that hate life.

Me at the same time: Is cutting self at night.

*hides scars* *acts like I'm fine* hehe

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Mama.

Big Mama. Big Mama can't fit through the door.