The jokes

It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

When I was young, I got bullied by two kids, and whenever I got hit to the ground, I would get back up and cry. Then I had the courage to fight back, except they didn't get back up.

Why did the monkey fall from the tree? Because he was dead.

You're so damn ugly that the robbers only go into your house to close the blinds.

To start, I'm a big fella in size.

I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock?

Who's there?

The chicken!

Why did the midget not go to bed?

He couldn't reach the bed.

One day I was with my mom and we had no money on the credit card, and we live far, and my mom was hungry.

A guy and his friend had a car and asked us if we were lost. We said no, we have no ride, no money, and my mom is hungry. So the guy would take us for a blowjob each, so I was driving the car and my mom gave both guys a blowjob. We had to get out of the car to look for something, then the two guys went in the car and told us we got bad news and good news. I asked what the bad news was. They said that they're not taking us home, so I asked what the good news was. They told me that they fed my mom and drove off. I guess where they left us wasn't a long walk and my mom wasn't hungry anymore.

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

Because they got plane pizza instead of cheese!

What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.

Your Momma's so fat, the recursive function calculating her mass causes a stack overflow.

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?

You see, a pimple wouldn’t normally come on a kid until he’s 13 years old.

Once upon a time... Chuck Norris stepped on a Lego. R.I.P. the Lego piece.

Where do cows keep their historical cultural artifacts?

In the mooseum.

What did the helicopter say?

Helicopter: "Kobe!"

What’s the hardest thing to eat on a vegetable? The wheelchair.