The jokes
What is the difference between apples and orphans?
The apples get picked.
Why does Joe Biden like cold weather? Because he’s used to being in the teens.
Yo mama so fat...
She's the iceberg who sunk the Titanic!
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
A leaf and an emo kid fall from a tree, who made it to the floor first?
The leaf. The emo kid was caught on a rope.
What's the difference between an orphan's parents and a boomerang? The boomerang comes back.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"
Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"
I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?
When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.
Why didn't the Twin Towers order cheese pizza?
They like pepperoni, not plane!
Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?
Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)
What do Marshall Tucker Band and Kobe Bryant have in common?
Their last big hit was "Fire on the Mountain."
Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"
Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.
Forrest Gump: Who's your favorite Lord of the Rings character?
Lieutenant Dan: Legaless.
I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!
Where did Sally go during the bombings? Everywhere!
Why didn’t the parents bother looking for her? Because she was in the front and back yard in small chunks! 😂
Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.
I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.