The jokes

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."

Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.

When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.

Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.

I suffered The Great Depression.

Yo mama so fat, she is one of the boulders in Indiana Jones.

What did Steven Hawking say when the WiFi cut out?.........Nothing.

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?

Til death do we park.

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Patient: Good news!

Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.

Q: How do basketball players stay cool during a game?

A: They stand near the fans! 🏀🏀😆😆

What does a depressed person and a jacket have in common?

They’re both hanging in the closet.

What did one butthole say to the other?

"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"

I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.

Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂

A French Sans would greet you with the "o bone-jour".

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

When I see your face, there's one thing I want to change.

The direction I'm looking.

How did the burglar get into my house?

Intruder window.