The jokes

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.

Did you know that new Teslas don't come with the new car smell?

They come with an Elon Musk.

Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."

Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Joe mama so dumb she studies for the COVID test.

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

Helen Keller is the kind of person to ask you what the time is.

I wish my name was Voyager 2...

So I could have the first encounter with Uranus. :)

I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.

What do the twin towers and genders have in common? They used to be two, but now they're a sensitive subject.

For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

Why does a leaf fall faster than an emo kid? Because the emo hangs itself.

Me- *crying in the shower*

Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*

If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?

This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

Why do the orphans love going to the bakery down the street so much? Because their cookies are homemade.

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.