The jokes

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

You’ll only need a single nail to hang the picture frame up.

What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

One actually finished a race.

A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

Yo mama so stupid, she studied for the COVID test.

What's the toughest stain to wash off a little boy's underpants?

Michael Jackson's lipstick.

Teacher: Hey Timmy (the quiet kid), what comes after X?

The quiet kid: Splosion.

Teacher: What comes after A?

The quiet kid: AK-47.

Teacher: Faints.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.

I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.

The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say "black paint."

You have to say, "Leroy, please paint that wall!"

When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.

Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.

What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?

The doctor taking off his watch.

What’s a reverse exorcism?

It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"

How many white police officers does it take to push an African-American gentleman down the stairs?

Push?! He fell...

You could be sitting alone and still be the dumbest person in the room.

Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it has faster reflexes than the Twin Towers.