The jokes
How can you save a depressed person from a tree?
You cut the rope.
Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.
I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.
Why are Captain from SpongeBob and Michael Jackson so similar?
They both say, "Are you ready, kids?"
What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?
"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
What is the strongest weapon in India?
The red button (this is a fact).
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."
One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,
"What part of the dog did you get?"
A blonde walks in and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde asks, "That's it, how'd you know I was a blonde?"
The seller replies, "Because that's a microwave."
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?
The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.
Why did the sperm cross the road? ———— because I put on the wrong sock today.
Why do orphans only eat cereal with water?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Apples get picked.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Q: What's the difference between a fetus and an onion?
A: One makes you cry when you chop it into pieces.
Your mamma so fat she has to use the equator as her belt.