The jokes
Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination".
I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.
What's Technoblade's favorite show and is the only one he can relate to?
Peppa Pig: Peppa Dies!
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!
1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.
What is the difference between the Twin Towers and feminism? The Twin Towers were destroyed by terrorists, while feminism was created by terrorists.
Memes
Why did the pen stop writing?
'Cause the pen wasn't very dependable.
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
Why's it so hard to come out of the closet? Just open the door!
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
Why did the orphan become a killer?
Because he knew they would not look for him.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"
The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
Your forehead is so big that it's visible on the world map!