The jokes
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
Memes
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder one.
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.
What is Saturn's favorite movie?
Lord of the Rings.
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
"Hello, this is your captain speaking. We are flying at a level of 89 feet. If you look out of your window on the left, you will see the World Trade Center."
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Victims of 9/11 are the fastest readers. They went through 94 stories in seconds.
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
The taste.
Chuck Norris once stared a basilisk in the eye, and it DIED!
What did the balls say to the dick?
Hey dick, how's it hanging?
How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?
You turn off the WiFi router.
The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.
"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.
"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.