The jokes

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.

Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.

Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.

Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?

They only come out for the boos.

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

Because it had a virus.

Why did the skunk 🦨 sleep 💤 under a car?

Because he wanted to wake up oily.

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

So, I was in the church the other day, raping this woman, when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

Why is the B so cool? Because it’s in between A and C.

I wanted to play as Kobe Bryant on my gaming console, but the game kept crashing.

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into 2 skyscrapers.

Why did the heterosexual woman try to put a mask 😷 on her pussy? She wanted to protect herself from covid, but she did try to put a mask 😷 on her dildo, but the mask 😷 keep falling off the dildo.

If her age is on the clock, she gets the cock.

Hi, I was a feminist until I realised that:

A. Feminism is just a pile of dumb shit.

B. That men are actually treated unequally.

SO

we should all say sorry to the boys for pissing them off.

I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.

What's the only thing Mexicans can unwrap on Christmas? Tamales.

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."