The jokes

"Wanna play the rape game?"

"No!!!!"

"That's the spirit!"

A receptionist at the Twin Towers orders two pepperoni pizzas. She was upset when she got two planes.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?

Well, he’s all right now!

An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

Sixty years ago, Stephen Hawking's teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams, kids. Reach for the stars.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

What's red and in a corner?

A baby with a razor blade.

What's green and in a corner?

The same baby three weeks later.

A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.

So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"

The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"

The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

Why are dolphins so smart?

Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!

One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!

Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face, and he asks her, "Why are you rubbing that stuff on your face, mother?"

His mother replies, "To make myself beautiful, Johnny."

A few minutes later, she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her, "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"

What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.

What is the similarity between a joke and food?

Some people just don't get them!

What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."

Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."

Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?

He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.

Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."