The jokes

If you ever get mad at an orphan, punch them in the face... What are they going to do, tell their parents?

What is the difference between a small child and a watermelon?

One I eat on the daily and the other is a watermelon.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why?

To visit the ugly witch's house.

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

The chicken!

A girl named Ranch went to the store and stayed there. Why? Because she was ranched!

What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?...

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?

Santa got the milk.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

We have the best schools for it.

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

The best part about Asian jokes is that the only people that can be offended can't see the jokes.

JFK and Abe Lincoln were some of the most open-minded presidents ever.

Genders are like the Twin Towers because there used to be two, now it's just a sensitive subject.

My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.

What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?

"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the first person to try Five Guys?

Did you see the blind guy trip on a can?

He didn't either.