My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.
Your mom is so fat that when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed, but the sidewalk cracked up.
What do you call a selfie that is taken by an orphan?
Answer: A family photo.
I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
Your mom is so fat that she can't get internet because she is worldwide.
Guys, we should not make fun of 9/11. Like, that stuff is just plain out crazy. Like, you all should not let that fly.
Your hairline's so far back that Dora the Explorer couldn't find it.
I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.
Q: What kind of club do roosters go to? A: The Chicken Strip.
I made that one up.
What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?
An orphan.
Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.
Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.
That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...
The best joke in the world is me.
Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.
What's a joke that an orphan has never heard before?
A dad joke.
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
