That jokes
My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and went right.
Your hairline is so bad that the Teen Titans gave up.
They say Jesus walked on water.
That's nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.
What do you call a pig that pulled a leg? Pulled pork.
Your mom was dating a boy that had a twin brother, but she did it with the wrong one.
What's the one thing that makes a depressed person jump? A bridge.
Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?
Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.
Me: What is that?
Siri: Sugondese nuts.
Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.
Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?
Me: Aren't you my son?
Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.
*P.O.V orphan wanting to go on school trip/camp*
Teacher: “Can I have your parent's signature? It isn’t filled out.”
Orphan: “Um yeah.... That’s gonna be hard....”
Teacher: “Why?”
Orphan: “I just have to find them first....”
What do you call an orphan that grows to be a priest?
Fatherless.
Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the first person to try Five Guys?
Stories like Rudolph and Wonder show that different means worse.
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That is the electrician's job. I am a specialist.
How many software engineers?
Again, none. It's a hardware problem.
How many computer programmers to change a light bulb?
Two, but one resigns halfway through the project.
Your hairline is so long that Odell Beckham Jr. missed a catch and saw your hairline from a mile away!
I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.
I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
Anyone want to eat me up? I'm in that kind of mood right now.
What is the country that is always in a rush? Russia.
I wish death was in the form of a woman.
That way, it would never come for me.