That jokes

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

Q: What kind of club do roosters go to? A: The Chicken Strip.

I made that one up.

Guys, we should not make fun of 9/11. Like, that stuff is just plain out crazy. Like, you all should not let that fly.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Your mom is so fat that when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed, but the sidewalk cracked up.

What do you call a selfie that is taken by an orphan?

Answer: A family photo.

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

The best joke in the world is me.

Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.

A cow went into a pride of lions' territory.

Since that moment, he knew his life was on the stake.

What's a joke that an orphan has never heard before?

A dad joke.

Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)

-> in reality, :( (sob)

depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.

Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.