That Jokes

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

A cow went into a pride of lions' territory.

Since that moment, he knew his life was on the stake.

Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)

-> in reality, :( (sob)

depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.

Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.

Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.

"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."

The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."

The End

Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

Why did potassium draw a tear that would result in him crying?

Because all of his friends argon.

Why won't Trump be subject to impeachment?

Answer: Because Republicans in Congress insist that every baby be brought to full term!