That jokes

Your hairline's so far back that Dora the Explorer couldn't find it.

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

Any joke that I make about 9/11 has a tendency to crash and burn.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

What do you call a selfie that is taken by an orphan?

Answer: A family photo.

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

Teacher: Okay class, what's a word that begins with A?

Student: Apple!

Teacher: Good! What's a word beginning with B?

Student:....Bitch...

The best joke in the world is me.

Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.

A cow went into a pride of lions' territory.

Since that moment, he knew his life was on the stake.

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.

I recently learned that it's politically incorrect to talk about taking part in a school shooting.

Apparently the term "school photos" is more acceptable.

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

When you forget the pinata at the birthday party. The kids: "Aww man." But the emo kid just hung himself. Kids: "Yaaaaayyy." Parents: "Adjust, improvise, overcome, that is the way."

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.