That Jokes

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

What rock group has four men that don't sing? -- Mount Rushmore.

Why is it that when I'm in school doing PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but the moment I say "blacks against whites" I'm the bad guy?

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

What do you call an avocado that got shot? Glockamole.

Yo mama so fat, she was the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

What was the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?

Taxi.

Roses are red, that much is true. But violets are purple, not fucking blue.

Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.

I am right 95 percent of the time, who cares about that other 5 percent?

Yo mama so fat that when I banged her in the jacuzzi, there was a level 8 tsunami.

You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

I'm shocked that Kanye West never tried to get Carrie Underwood's number after Carrie starred in a pro-Aryan ad for Almay.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.

Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!

Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-

Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!