That jokes

One day my pet barked at me and so I got scared and was my dad actually. It was weird, you should’ve saw him and so the day goes on because he likes to run around the house that he likes to do it out 😂😂😂😂😱

I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!

What do you call a once that's an insect?

A creepy crawly.

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

What do cannibals call a person that is running?

Fast food.

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

Yo momma's so old that even scientists get baffled about where she lived before Earth was created.

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

What was the thing that Beethoven used the most?

THE OVEN! (BeethOVEN)

I lit a retirement home on fire so that all the seniors can be cremated for free.

Have you been to that paraplegic strip club? It's crawling with pussy!

Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?

Because it says "B Positive!"

Bro, your head is so big that it shines so bright, it turns into a lightbulb.

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

Why do most guns in America have an average mag/clip size of only 30?

Because that's the average class size in America.

I was at a milk store and ordered some milk.

They brought it over but spilled it on me.

I said that was a udder failure!

If a kid refused to go to bed, does that make them guilty of resisting a rest?

I like my new... e-a-tree and a tree that is a magic house and a tree tree and a...

Yesterday I had a party in my basement.

I got questioned a lot about 5 dead kids in the corner shut in a box. I did that when I was 13, damn I forgot about them!