That jokes

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

What rock group has four men that don't sing? -- Mount Rushmore.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"

Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"

What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?

An octobrave.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.

Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?

Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.

A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.