That jokes
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
You know what a triangle has that women's rights don't? A point.
Little Johnny brings his cat to school, and then the teacher asked him why. Little Johnny says, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom I'm going to eat that pussy up when the kids leave!"
There are two kids sitting in a classroom: Lily and John. Lily sleeps in class every day.
The teacher asks Lily who made heaven and earth. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
The teacher says, "That's right."
The teacher says the next day she asks the same question. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
"That's right," the teacher says.
The next day she asks Lily what did Eve say to Adam after their 100th. John pokes her again. "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'mma break it in half!" she shouts.
When you tell the men in the suits you can see that the demons of your sins are watching you...
But they know you're blind.
Yo mama is so ugly that Satan started going to church!
This is a 2 for 1 plane combo that will never exist.
But, it's like a plane pizza.
Nothing happens, but it terrorizes me.
What do you call a AK-47 that lost 1 point?
An AK-46.
What do you call a Russian rifle that went 1 rank down?
An AK-46.
Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"
Did I ever tell you my father should have been on the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers?
But that's just my opinion.
Never kill an orphan, because then that will end their misery.
I'd rate the food in Afghanistan a 9/11. That shit was bomb.
Why do orphans play baseball?
That’s the only way they can run to home.
What do you call a nazi that can’t see?
A nozi.
What is an orphan's favorite day?
Tomorrow: that is when the sun will come out.
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"Give me the good news first," the patient said.
"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."
"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"I've been trying to reach you for two days."
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Little Steven was scared to take a shower by himself, so he asked his mum to shower with him. She said ok just don’t look up. He looked up and said wow what are those. She said they are headlights. He looked under and stuck his finger in it and said oh what is that. She said that’s a Pu-pu-pu Bush!!
The next day Steven’s mom wasn’t home so he asked his Papa can I shower with you? He said ok just don’t look up. Well Steven looked up and said WTH IS THAT? His dad said it’s a Snake. That night he asked his parents if he can sleep with them. They said ok Just don’t look under the covers. He grew bored then looked under and Screamed mom turn on the headlights There’s a snake in the bush.
I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.