Swearing Jokes

🌵funking prick

I tried to have phone sex once.

but the holes were to small

Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination". I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.

I was accused of rape, but a swear she was a whore

Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a b*tch is four; four plus four, the son of a b*tch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a b*tch...; “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!” The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no.” said the teacher terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'”

mom, what happens if you swear at a church? well honey a tee posing nun with glowing red eyes and numb chucks will beat you

So if you say a bear shoots children and leah likes Mason Boswells and I go to Benjamin adlard year 6

If I get 50 likes on this I swear🦋

I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigerates at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week he swears by it, but he’s in denial

What's worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? One's alive at the bottom. What's even worse than THAT? It eats it's way out. Wait it gets worse... It goes back for seconds. Just one more I swear... It fucks one of it's siblings at the bottom.

I swear i always finish on page 3 when i'm looking at family pictures

One day, a preist and a nun went to play golf together. In the first shot, the preist missed his shot and said “Fuck I missed it.” The nun replied “Hey you should not curse.” In the second shot, the preist missed his shot again and said “Fuck I missed again.” The nun replied “Hey stop swearing, or else god will punish you.” In the next shot, the preist missed once again. He shouted “Fuck this, this game is bullshit.” The nun replied “Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime.” Suddenly, a thunderbolt stroke the nun and killed her, the clouds separated from the sky and there was a voice in the sky saying “Oh fuck I missed.”

Friend 1: did you? Depressed friend 2: I didn't! Friend one: swear on your life! Depressed friend 2: I swear A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight

i swear if i compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.

A little boy got the homework that he had to learn the four first letters of the alphabet. He went to his mother, who was knitting and had hurt herself. He asked her what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she said a swear word. He wen't to his brother, who was playing with a superman, and asked what the second letter of the alphabet was, and he answered 'SUPERMAN!!!'. Then he went to his little sister, and asked what the third letter of the alphabet was, and given the fact that she was playing with Barbies, she said 'in the barbie dream house! Then he went to his father who was watching a soccer game, and his team just scored, so when he asked what the fourth letter of the alphabet was, he said 'Olé Olé Olé!!!'. The next day at school, the teacher asked the little boy what the first four letters of the alphabet were. He said the swear word. 'WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN!!!', the teacher boomed. 'Superman', the boy replied. 'WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!?!', the teacher continued. 'In the Barbie Dream House' 'GO TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE!!!' 'OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ!', the boy chanted on his was down the hall.

What do you call a swearing piece of shit?

Cus-turd

Little jonnie said to his mate i bet i can make you swear, his mate said goodluck, so jonnie told his mate that he slept with his sister, his mate yelled im gonna fucking kill you!

I swear bro, this time I don't want any jokes on 9/11. Like people actually died like that shit is just plane wrong.💀

to men walk into a bar the 1st says hey hows it going the 2 one says great but then the 3rd man says hello where did my wife go i swear she as just here what happened to the 3rd guys wife