My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”
Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, “Listen Barack, I’m getting older and I’m having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?” Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. “Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama.”
I’m so mad I got arrested for rape even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute but how was I supposed to know she never told me.
God: ok so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look like from being born to preteen. Satan:(slides in) I’ll take over for you pops. God: I dunno….this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system. Satan: don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18! God: Hmm…I’m still not-(Gets a call on his phone) shoot I got to take this. (Answers call) don’t touch anything Lucifer! (Walks away) Satan:…….(just touches lightly and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away) God:(rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?! God:(tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) fuck me……… God:….(sighs) fine it’ll stay. We’ll just call it….puberty
A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked his what he was suppose to be. He answered," A turtle." 'Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again. The boy answered, " it’s Michelle."
What do you call a blonde in a freezer?
Her parents called her Cindy so we should probably continue calling her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorow.
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says “well all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket”. So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says “dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
An orphan died. No one cared why? Who is supposed spread the word his parents.
Brother: your eyebrows look hella bad Sister : I don’t even think u know what eyebrows are supposed to look like because u have none
“Paper is 2D!” said Pen. “No, it’s 3D!” said Pencil. After Pencil proved it to Pen, Pen said; “Oh, I suppose you’re write.”
this is supposed to be worst puns but most of them are not puns
Why is a nun called a nun? Cause they aint supposed to get nun ;)
You: Say “addicted” after everything I say. Person: Uh okay. You: When you’re obsessed with candy you are…? Person: Addicted. You: When you’re obsessed with drugs you are…? Person: Addicted. You: What hit you in the face last night? Person: Addicted… laughs (It’s supposed to sound like “A dick did”)