Suicide jokes

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Coff- na, jk, bleach.

Dentist: Open up, sir.

Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

Dentist: Do you need help??

Me: Yep.

Dentist: ...

Me: ....

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

"Do you have a noose?"

"Nose?"

"Yeah, noose- nose... I heard yours was stuffed lately--haha."

"I actually smell something--like a corpse. Is it you?"

"No."

*Dying on the inside has never been so detectable.*

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

"I miss you.

Being happy was never that hard without you..."

Someone's dad: You think he/she wants to join me? I didn't get the milk...

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

Is laughing a problem?

Laughing at what?

I want to jump.

Jump—what?

Jump off the hook.

What's the best way to get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time?

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)

What's the difference between me and a rope?

The rope doesn't hang from itself.

I saw three people online on this site... Hope you guys will commit suicide tonight.

I want to di... dive! Yeah!

What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?

When you think you can’t fail anymore if you’re dead, then you fail at suiciding.

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

What do depressed people do when they’re bored?

They “Hang” Out.

I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.

My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.

You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.

I'll shut up now.