Suicide jokes

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

"I miss you.

Being happy was never that hard without you..."

Someone's dad: You think he/she wants to join me? I didn't get the milk...

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

Is laughing a problem?

Laughing at what?

I want to jump.

Jump—what?

Jump off the hook.

What's the best way to get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time?

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)

What's the difference between me and a rope?

The rope doesn't hang from itself.

I saw three people online on this site... Hope you guys will commit suicide tonight.

I want to di... dive! Yeah!

What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?

When you think you can’t fail anymore if you’re dead, then you fail at suiciding.

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

What do depressed people do when they’re bored?

They “Hang” Out.

I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.

My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.

You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.

I'll shut up now.

If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?

The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.