Success jokes

I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Chuck Norris once did a roundhouse kick... and successfully completed the bottle cap challenge.

How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."

My boy is so distracted and the kids are doing great. I will be make $500000.

Your career might be in the north, but it's going south :)

How does a well-educated graduate approach a delicate situation?

I don't know, how does a well-graduated education approach a what?

With a degree!

OMG guys, I finally did it. I made a head slicey boy. I have headless.

Have you heard about the smart traveler? He's clearly going places.

Not many people know this, but Soulja Boy was the lead role in a very successful children's movie a while ago. Released to theaters nationwide in 2006 was Honey, I Crunked the Kids.

I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

I once did an exam on rainbows. I passed with flying colors.

This is a lot like anal sex.

You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

What do you call a tall, affluent person? A big success.

Rainbows top the class, as they always score with flying colors.

You know the only way to win is you have to actually planet.

If at first you don't succeed,

Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.