Why do disabled people always get picked on?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
Stand Jokes
What does BLM stand for?
Black Lust Matters.
I bullied a handicap today.
What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?
Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?
'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.
When you tell your friend he’s a simp and isn’t offended, say it stands for sucking intensely at monkeys' penises.
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"
Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell them to stand in the corner in a round room.
My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”
Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”
When you realize your friend standing next to you is adopted and narrates everything he does.
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.
Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
Your mom's so fat, when she stands on the scale, it says, "To be continued..."
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Bill Gates? One stands, the other doesn't.
Bring out your weapons, people.
It's bullying time.
Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?
I told him to be a stand-up comedian!
I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.
New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.
Student: Stands up.
Teacher: Why did you stand up?
Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
