Stand jokes

A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.

A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"

He couldn’t stand it anymore with his sister because he is in a wheelchair.

A teacher is teaching a class algebra. Timmy, you've worked out it is AK, but what is 59 minus 12? Timmy shakes his head, not knowing. The teacher asks, "How about AK 49 minus 2?" Timmy replies with um... The teacher becomes frustrated and yells, "What comes after AK, Timmy!?" The white kid at the back stands, shouts 47, and pulls the trigger.

Why do disabled people always get picked on?

Because they can’t stand up for themselves.

What does BLM stand for?

Black Lust Matters.

I bullied a handicap today.

What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?

Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?

'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.

When you tell your friend he’s a simp and isn’t offended, say it stands for sucking intensely at monkeys' penises.

Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.

When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."

When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."

Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"

Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.

What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?

Stand-up comedy.

How do you confuse a blonde?

Tell them to stand in the corner in a round room.

What does WTC stand for?

"What Trade Centre?"

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.

My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”

Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”

When you realize your friend standing next to you is adopted and narrates everything he does.

I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

Bring out your weapons, people.

It's bullying time.