Stand up jokes
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
There’s this girl who gets bullied for being in a wheelchair.
Why don’t she stand up for herself?
Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.
Why do I tell bad jokes?
I'm a lesbian.
A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.
Q: What do the St. Louis Rams and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”
What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?
Stand-up comedy.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up?
Because it was “two tired”!
Why don't paralyzed people laugh?
They hate stand-up comedy.
So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.
He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"
No offense to anyone though. I don’t understand why everyone is bullying a person named Gwen?
My opinion is well “it’s just a regular person wanting to do jokes. You never know. It could be an adult or a kid.”
So leave her alone. Thank you. 😁
Why did Hitler go for handicap?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
He was in a fight, then a person said, "Stand up for yourself!"
I got sent to the principal's office for telling the kid in the wheelchair to stand up for himself.
Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?
'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.
Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.
Stephen Hawking tried comedy.
His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."
My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.
Why did people bully Steven Hawking?
Because he couldn't stand up for himself.
I stole a wheelchair from a disabled kid. What is he going to do, stand up?