Stand up jokes
What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but couldn't stand up?
My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.
Me: Nah, it's just two tired.
If Stephen Hawking got into a fight, he could not stand up for himself.
Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.
Why did people bully Steven Hawking?
Because he couldn't stand up for himself.
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"
Apparently Steven Hawking was a stand-up kind of guy.
If the teacher tells you to stand up if you're not gay and there's that one kid in the wheelchair.
Why do I tell bad jokes?
I'm a lesbian.
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.
I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.
What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.
What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?
Perform fellatio.
Why do you make fun of disabled people?
They can't stand up for themselves.
Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"
These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.
2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!
None of these jokes really took off.
What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?