Stand up jokes

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

One day little Jonny is in class. It is the second day back to school. The teacher is annoyed with the kids, so she goes to the front of the class and says, "If you think you are stupid, stand up." Little Jonny stood up.

The teacher asked him, "Why do you think you're stupid?" Little Jonny said, "I don't think I am stupid."

Then the teacher asked little Jonny why he stood up. Then little Jonny replied, "I just felt bad seeing you standing here alone."

I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.

What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?

"Why not you stand up for yourself?"

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

I was doing a race, and I started after everyone 'cause I fell, but when I got up I realized I couldn't even race, not because I was behind, but because I can't go straight if I'm gay...

The kid in the wheelchair was getting bullied, so I encouraged him to stand up for himself. I don't know why he started crying.

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?

Because he can’t do stand up.

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?

Perform fellatio.

Teacher: Stand up if you think you are stupid.

After a while, a student stands up.

Teacher: So you think you are stupid?

Student: No, I'm not stupid. I just felt bad because you were standing by yourself.

Some say Stephen Hawking couldn't stand up for himself 😂

If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?

I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."

Then which one are you?

Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"

The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

Why did orphans have to drink their own piss?

Because last time they went to the bar, they went with their dad and drank some Corona, then got drunk and started eating someone's toenails, so his dad went to go get the milk and everybody had to evacuate the bar. Then the orphan started walking on his teeth and got listed for the top ten wanted animals in the world, so then he felt wanted and went to go home and had nobody to go to, so he found the beer bottle he drunk out of and started pissing in it so he wouldn't die and loved it. So then someone saw him in the bushes pissing in a beer bottle then drinking, so the person who saw him started recording and posted it on YouTube, and the boy became famous, so now he can feel like he was wanted in life after daddy went to go get the milk, then the little boy became really rich.

My friend that was in a wheelchair was getting bullied, so I said, "Stand up for yourself."

I see, you guys jokers are SANS-ational!