Stand up jokes
Apparently Steven Hawking was a stand-up kind of guy.
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.
Why do I tell bad jokes?
I'm a lesbian.
My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.
I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.
Why do you make fun of disabled people?
They can't stand up for themselves.
What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?
It's so sad that Stephen Hawking can't stand up for himself.
These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.
2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!
Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"
None of these jokes really took off.
Why did the disabled kid keep getting bullied?
He couldn’t stand up for himself.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up?
Because it was “two tired”!
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
Why don't paralyzed people laugh?
They hate stand-up comedy.
Why did Hitler go for handicap?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
What makes Stephen Hawking and your dumped girlfriend similar?
They can't stand up for themselves.
No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.