Stand up jokes
These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.
2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!
Why did the disabled kid keep getting bullied?
He couldn’t stand up for himself.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up?
Because it was “two tired”!
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
Teacher on school bus, "Everybody sit down now, the bus is about to start."
Ben: "I’m not going to sit down. I don’t want to."
Teacher: "You have to, or else you have to get off the bus."
Teacher: "*stands up*"
Ben: "Then you should get off the bus 'cause you're not sitting."
Why don't paralyzed people laugh?
They hate stand-up comedy.
My penis is so polite. It stands up so girls can sit down.
Why did Hitler go for handicap?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
What makes Stephen Hawking and your dumped girlfriend similar?
They can't stand up for themselves.
The penis has a sad life. His hair is always a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.
He also stands up for kids who can't defend themselves.
I don't joke about paraplegics; they wouldn't be able to stand up for themselves.
I went to a handicapped comedy club, but all the jokes they told were special, and they didn't know a lot about stand-up at all.
I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.
And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.
It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.
No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.
"Stand up for yourself! Oh, come on, walk it off."
You know, people always tell you to stand up for yourself. Why didn't anyone tell the World Trade Center that? 🤔
Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.
A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.
I love Steven Hawking’s stand-up comedy!