Stand up jokes
What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?
Why did the disabled kid keep getting bullied?
He couldn’t stand up for himself.
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up?
Because it was “two tired”!
Teacher on school bus, "Everybody sit down now, the bus is about to start."
Ben: "I’m not going to sit down. I don’t want to."
Teacher: "You have to, or else you have to get off the bus."
Teacher: "*stands up*"
Ben: "Then you should get off the bus 'cause you're not sitting."
Why don't paralyzed people laugh?
They hate stand-up comedy.
What makes Stephen Hawking and your dumped girlfriend similar?
They can't stand up for themselves.
My penis is so polite. It stands up so girls can sit down.
Why did Hitler go for handicap?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.
And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.
It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.
No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.
Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.
"Stand up for yourself! Oh, come on, walk it off."
You know, people always tell you to stand up for yourself. Why didn't anyone tell the World Trade Center that? 🤔
I love Steven Hawking's stand-up comedy!
I love Steven Hawking’s stand-up comedy!
A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.
The penis has a sad life. His hair is always a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.
He also stands up for kids who can't defend themselves.
Once I was in South Korea doing stand up comedy... and I started with a "hidden" joke and I said: "I'm so happy to be here in one of the most beautiful Korea's in the world..." which is a good joke but they didn't get it, and they looked at me badly... so I said "I'm here in the South which is more beautiful... South good, North booooooo." But still nothing, they kept glaring at me... then I realized that maybe I was in the wrong Korea.