Stand up jokes
So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.
There’s this girl who gets bullied for being in a wheelchair.
Why don’t she stand up for herself?
I see, you guys jokers are SANS-ational!
Teacher: Stand up if you think you are stupid.
After a while, a student stands up.
Teacher: So you think you are stupid?
Student: No, I'm not stupid. I just felt bad because you were standing by yourself.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.
Why don't paralyzed people laugh?
They hate stand-up comedy.
What is the worst comedy for disabled people?
Stand-up comedy!
My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
Jantje goes on a walk with his grandmother. Jantje sees 1 dollar on the street and picks it up.
The grandmother says: "Hey, Jantje! No picking up things from the floor! They are ugly and bad!"
Then they keep walking. The grandmother slips and asks Jantje to help her stand up. Jantje answers: "No! Everything on the ground is ugly and bad."
Someone telling a joke:
Boy: "My parents are dead."
Girl: "My grandad is too."
Orphan who listened to it: "That joke is dead!"
Person who told the joke: "So is your family!"
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
Why can't disabled people make jokes?
Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy, isn't it?
Why didn't Trump help someone who can't walk?
He thinks she should stand up for herself.
Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?
'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.
What do you call the worst joke ever?
Well, according to my mom, I am.
There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
What caused the Great Depression? A lack of comedians.
Hi, I’m Joe.
I can't stand up when I laugh hard; neither can they.
Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.